


like never before

by peacockcock



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-02
Updated: 2011-08-02
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:31:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacockcock/pseuds/peacockcock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kris has had everything handed to him his entire life and he knows he should be happy, but he feels that there is more to life than money and success. When he meets Adam on board the ill-fated <i>Titanic</i>, he finds everything he isn’t supposed to want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	like never before

  
[  
](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
**April 10, 1912**  


The car pulls up, parking in the midst of the chaos. Kris’s eyes flicker out the window at the swarm of people scurrying around with their luggage. There are those with their noses held high, barking out orders, and those with nothing but a bag thrown over their shoulder and an excited glint in their eye.

Kris steps out of the car and exchanges a polite smile with the driver before he holds his hand out for his mother, helping her out of the vehicle.

“It’s magnificent, isn’t it?” she says, peering up from under her hat at the ship before them, an awed expression on her face. “Absolutely magnificent.”

Kris looks, his eyes taking in the stretch of the boat. It is massive, almost overwhelmingly so. He has heard rumblings that it is the largest object made by man. It’s hard for him to fathom how something so large can stay afloat in the ocean and not sink straight to the bottom.

There are hundreds of people already on board, leaning over the rails and waving down to the ones they are leaving behind. There is an aura of hope lingering in the air, and Kris can see it on their faces. He knows that most people are traveling to America for a fresh start, a better life. Kris wonders if they’ll be able to find it.

Kris’s mother leaves his side and joins his father and Daniel to give directions to their escorts. She tells them the numbers of their suites and which items of their luggage goes in each room. He almost takes a step forward, wanting to lend a hand, but he can already hear his father’s voice in his head.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Kristopher,” he always says. “That is what they are paid for.”

Instead he stands back, watching and remaining completely helpless, a feeling to which he has grown far too accustomed. He knows that he’s living the life that most people want, the dream they are chasing after. Only, Kris finds himself wanting to run away from it. It’s tiresome and lonely, but he has absolutely no way out.

He stares back up at the _Titanic_ and an unsettling feeling rises in his stomach.

-

Kris can still smell the fresh paint on the walls, everything so new that it seems to sparkle. He’s afraid to even touch anything, like it will ruin under his fingertips. Even after all this time, with all of the luxuries handed to him, Kris still finds himself taking a moment and thinking, _this is my life._ He is grateful for all of the opportunities he has, the life his parents have provided for him. His family wasn’t born into money; his father has worked hard for it. It’s just that sometimes, when he’s just so fed up with it all, Kris wishes he had nothing but a few bucks in his pocket and the freedom to live life however he chooses.

His future is already mapped out for him: the girl he is going to marry someday is waiting for him back home, and there is a spot in his father’s business for him to take over in a couple of years. He will inherit millions, have children and raise them down the same path he is now headed.

And it is everything he doesn’t want.

“I’m going to get some air,” he tells his mother, already heading towards the door. “Maybe do a little exploring.”

She pulls her attention away from one of the paintings on the walls. “That’s fine,” she says. “Don’t be gone too long.”

Without a response, Kris closes the door behind him and walks down the corridor. There are people mingling in the hallways, getting to know their neighbors for the time being. Some look at him as he passes by, either smiling politely or giving him a snide stare, like they are eyeing up the competition. Kris can practically smell the money on them like a bad perfume.

For a while he wanders the ship without a clue of where he is headed. Everything is so grand and immaculate. Every so often one of the workers on the ship will approach him and ask if he needs anything, ready to give him anything he could ever want. With a shake of his head, he dismisses them. They leave him with a polite smile.

He walks and walks, past the first class area of the ship, through second class, and eventually he finds himself down in third class. It is forbidden, at least by his parents, for him to be here. For a first class passenger to willingly stroll along the third class deck is absurd. But Kris can’t think of any situation in which he’d get caught because they’d never think to look for him here. The atmosphere is so different—there is vibrancy and _life_ , children running around with laughter.

Kris knows he’s not blending in, but nobody seems to notice, or care. He feels like an outsider, but it’s almost comforting in a way. A part of him almost wants to loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt a little. Instead he steps up to the railing and closes his eyes, feeling the wind against his face as the ship trudges through the water. It’s relaxing and peaceful, and Kris can see himself doing this many times throughout the remainder of their trip, just to escape from everything else.

He’s pulled into a trance, letting his mind get away from him for a few moments. At times like these, he wishes he had his guitar. He doesn’t get to play it nearly as often as he’d like, his parents saying it’s foolish and nothing but noise. If only they knew that the guitar is his best friend in the world.

There is laughter behind him—joyous, unadulterated laughter, something he hasn’t heard in… God, he can’t even remember. He hears it again, followed by the giggles of a little girl. It’s enough to make the corners of Kris’s mouth begin to twitch.

He turns, peering over his shoulder, and that’s when Kris sees him.

Kris’s mouth nearly falls open at the sight of him. His hair is dark and he’s got a smile that lights up his eyes, which are a brilliant shade of blue. He’s crouched down so he is at the same level as the little girl, her small hands wrapped around his large fingers. He’s whispering something that Kris can’t hear, but whatever it is, it is making her burst into fits of giggles. When he stands, Kris’s eyes roam his long and slender frame, and his legs that look like they on forever. He turns to the blonde woman to his side, Kris still going unnoticed, while the little girl amuses herself by throwing her doll up towards the sky and catching it.

“She must be a handful,” he says to the woman, an amused smile on his lips as he keeps an eye on the little girl. The sound of his voice makes Kris feel something warm settle low in his belly.

This isn’t the first time Kris has been attracted to another man; it’s actually something that happens more often than not. He never speaks of it, knowing the outcome would not be good if he ever had. It’s something he has kept bottled up inside of him for years. The idea of two men together is unspeakable, punishable, almost unheard of. He has tried to forget these feelings many times, burying them deep inside to ignore, but each time he finds it impossible.

It startles him when he realizes the blue eyes are staring back. The right thing to do would be to walk away, pretend this encounter never happened and avoid him for the remainder of his stay. It shouldn’t be too difficult, considering they are in separate classes.

Only, Kris doesn’t walk away. His gaze doesn’t leave that face, not even to blink. He feels something inside of him stir, a tingle in his fingers and toes. Never has a simple stare from someone made him feel this way, made his palms sweat. After an eternity—at least that’s how it feels for Kris—the little girl tugs on the guy’s arm, breaking their contact. Kris ducks his head, feeling his face flush.

He watches through the corner of his eye as the guy parts ways with the woman. “I hope to see you again soon,” he says in his soft voice, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.

And, as he walks away, Kris feels eyes on him again. Kris is just foolish enough to look up.

-

The dinner bell is loud enough to be heard throughout the entire ship and Kris cringes at it. Moments later, his mother is pulling him inside to get ready. He’s already in nice clothes, so he never understood why he has to change into something similar just to eat dinner, but he never questions any of it. It’s just the way things are.

He stares at his reflection in the mirror, trying to straighten his bow tie. No matter how many times he ties one, he can never get it just right like his father and brother can. He’s convinced his neck is crooked, or maybe he is just too stupid to tie it himself.

Kris steps back and looks at the slightly crooked tie around his neck and shrugs. Maybe nobody will notice.

Moments later his mother walks in, wearing a black gown, putting her earrings in. She looks Kris over and makes a face.

They always notice.

-

He walks down the stairwell, his hand running along the polished railing, looking up at the giant dome overhead. On the floor are the other first class passengers mingling and dressed in their finest gowns and suits, showing off their millions with diamond necklaces and earrings. Most likely they are spreading gossip about one another.

Kris stands back with Daniel and his father as they watch his mother scurry off to a group of women he has never seen before. They are leaning in close, whispering, occasionally sneaking glances to others in the room.

“They’re a nosy bunch, aren’t they?” an unfamiliar woman comes up to his side. She’s middle-aged and pretty, with long dark hair. Kris immediately notices her outfit, how understated it is, like she’s not trying to show off her millions with a gorgeous sparkling dress and diamond earrings.

He turns to her, whispering so his father doesn’t hear. “My mother is the nosiest of them all.”

They share a laugh and she holds out her hand. “Leila Lambert.”

“Kristopher,” he says, out of habit. He’s been told it’s rude to introduce himself as Kris, even though it’s the name he prefers. He catches his father watching, so he quickly turns towards him. “And this is my father.”

She smiles politely, but doesn’t hold her hand out like she did for Kris. “Leila Lambert.”

His father smiles back. “Neil Allen,” he says. “Are you here alone?”

“I’m supposed to be with my son, but he’s feeling ill this evening, so he won’t be joining me. I think he’s around Kristopher’s age, actually.”

Kris sees his father frown a little. “Oh, well then you are more than welcome to join us.”

His father then includes himself in a conversation between two men, leaving Kris with Leila.

“Look at them,” she says, almost under her breath. Kris isn’t sure if she’s speaking to him or to herself. “Something so insignificant means so much to them.”

Kris opens his mouth to respond to her because finally someone understands the way he feels, but there’s a slap on his shoulder.

“Chin up, Kristopher,” his father whispers in his ear.

Kris closes his eyes for a moment and clenches his fists before doing as he’s told. When they get to the table, Leila sits beside Kris. They are served champagne, which Kris doesn’t like because it makes his nose burn, and caviar, which has always tasted awful to him.

He must’ve made a face because Leila elbows him and slips him her napkin.

“Just spit it out when nobody is looking.”

-

Kris excuses himself from dinner as soon as he finishes eating, says goodbye to Leila, and opts not to join his father and brother in the smoking room. There is absolutely nothing more unappealing to him than sitting around a smoky room discussing money with old men.

He tells his mother he’ll head straight to their room, but instead he wanders the main deck of the ship, the night air cold against his skin. He’d be lying to himself if he said he isn’t looking, hoping to run into that boy with the dark hair and blue eyes. There is no point in it, he knows. The ship is so huge that it is nearly impossible to find someone, especially since he doesn’t know anything about him other than his appearance and the sound of his voice.

As much as he tells himself that it is stupid, that there is no way he’ll find him, it doesn’t keep his feet from moving forward.

He stops after a while, rests his arms on the rail and stares into the dark of the night. There are thousands, millions of stars in the sky. The water is black, glittering with the light coming from the stars and the moon. It steals the breath out of his lungs, how it just goes on and on. It’s like there is nothing in the world but the water, the sky, and him.

He thinks he is just hearing things at first, or maybe it’s just some voices from inside, and then he realizes that it’s a quiet hum. Kris closes his eyes and listens, barely able to hear it over the ship crashing through the water. He steps away from the rail and slowly walks towards the sound. As he gets closer, he’s able to hear the quiet words of a song.

Kris almost stumbles backwards when he sees who it is, lying on the floor with a cigarette in one hand and the other tucked under his head. Against his better judgment, Kris stands in the shadows and watches him. His voice is soft and Kris can’t grasp the lyrics of what he’s singing, but it is gorgeous.

He feels like curling in a ball and listening forever.

“Didn’t know I had an audience.”

Kris freezes and his brain tells him to run. He didn’t even realize the guy has stopped singing. His feet stay planted against the wooden floor and he stands there, mouth agape, unsure of what to say.

“I, uh… was just--”

The guy chuckles before bringing the cigarette to his lips. “How did I sound?”

Kris can’t help the grin that takes over his face. “Fantastic,” he says, stumbling over his words again. “I just, uh…I heard you and--”

There’s that laugh again. “I don’t mind,” he says, finally tilting his head back to look at Kris. “Wanna join me?”

Kris takes in the cold air, his breath forming a cloud when he exhales. He slowly walks forward, hesitating before sitting down next to him. His blue eyes are watching Kris with an amused smile on his lips.

“What’s your name?” the guy asks.

He licks his lips. “Kristoph--” he starts, out of habit, but no. He wants to be _Kris_ to this beautiful boy. “Kris.”

“Kris,” he repeats, and Kris watches his lips as he drags out the ‘s’ as if he’s testing it out. “I’m Adam.”

 _Adam,_ Kris thinks. He looks like an Adam.

And then Adam is handing him his cigarette, which Kris takes even though he hates how it tastes. He can’t help but notice how the tip of the cigarette is wet from Adam’s mouth. His tongue swipes over it and he wonders if that’s how Adam tastes.

“You can lie down.”

Kris looks down and smiles shyly, meeting Adam’s sparkling eyes. He lies down, the wood flooring hard and uncomfortable under his head. Kris brings the cigarette back to his mouth. The taste is awful and it burns his throat, but it helps him relax a little.

“Do you sing?” Adam asks after a long stretch of silence, his head turned towards Kris.

Kris almost says ‘no’ because he’s not sure if he’s any good. Nobody has ever heard him besides the walls of his bedroom.

“Sometimes,” he says. “I play the guitar as well, but my parents don’t really like it, so I don’t get to very often.”

Adam’s face falls a bit. “That’s not fair to you,” he says, and his eyes look a little distant, like he’s imagining it in his mind. It’s only for a moment, and then he’s back, focused solely on Kris. “I’m sure you’re incredible.”

The way Adam is looking at him makes it difficult for Kris to breathe. He whispers, “How do you know?”

Adam doesn’t say anything for a moment, but then he reaches for Kris’s hand, tracing his fingers along the tips. “Your hands,” he says. “They just look… I don’t know,” he chuckles quietly, like he doesn’t even know where he’s going with this. “They look like they know how to play the guitar really well.”

Kris begins to laugh a little, but falters when he realizes his hand is still in Adam’s gentle grasp, his thumb still stroking over Kris’s fingers. When he finally does let go, Kris misses his touch.

They don’t say anything for a while, the only sound coming from their quiet exhales as they blow clouds of smoke into the night sky. Kris has never spoken to Adam before tonight but, surprisingly, it is not awkward at all. If it were up to Kris, they’d stay right here until the ship docks.

Kris closes his eyes, the cigarette long gone. He is about to doze off when Adam’s voice startles him awake.

“Why are you here, Kris?”

He turns to him with a confused pout. “Here next to you?”

Adam laughs. “No, here on the _Titanic_ ,” he says, pausing for a moment. “Everyone has a story. They are going to America to find a better life for their kids, or they want to start over, get a job.” He tilts his head to the side and meets Kris’s eyes. “What about you?”

Kris frowns because he’s not here for anything like that. He already has a job, money, a life planned out for him. There is nothing he is running from or trying to find. “My family and I are headed back from our vacation,” he says, turning back to look up at the sky. “I don’t have a story.”

Adam shifts until their elbows are touching. “That’s not true,” he says. “Everybody has a story.”

Kris looks at Adam, wanting to ask what his story is, what his family is like, and just _who_ this person is, but the way he’s staring at Kris makes the questions stick to the walls of his throat.

Adam continues. “I bet you come from a rich family.”

Kris looks away, feeling somewhat ashamed, even though Adam doesn’t make it sound like a bad thing or that Kris should feel guilty for it.

“You’ve had an easy life, never had to work for a dime. Your parents have given you everything you could ever want,” he says. “Only you’re not happy.”

Kris ducks his head and whispers, “How can you tell?”

When Adam doesn’t say anything, Kris looks up to find him staring back.

“I can see it in your eyes.”

  
[  
](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
 **April 11, 1912**  


Kris looks for Adam all throughout the next day, wandering in random areas of the ship, turning towards anyone who is tall with dark hair. He knows he is slowly driving himself to insanity, but he can’t help it. If anyone, his parents, Daniel, could read the thoughts in his head, he’d be dead.

Last night, they lay there on the deck of the ship for hours—sometimes talking, sometimes silent; it never felt uncomfortable to be with him. A part of Kris feels like God wanted him in that place, at that moment, with that person. He feels something for Adam, a physical _pull_ in his chest, and it’s driving him a little bit crazy because, who is this guy? Besides the fact that he’s beautiful (he never even knew someone could be _that_ beautiful) and Kris could listen to him sing all day, he knows nothing about him. Adam managed to avoid talking about himself all last night, keeping the conversation about Kris’s life.

When the dinner bell rings, Kris decides to go back to his room to get ready before his mother has a fit. He knows the ship is large, with hundreds of people on board, and it’s a possibility that he’ll never see Adam again. He can’t help the disappointment he feels at the thought of it. Now he regrets not asking Adam if he could see him again.

Maybe it is better that he doesn’t. What he already feels, after only two encounters, isn’t even right to begin with. Surely he’d forget about him eventually, once off this ship and back to his regular life at home.

Back home, he is arranged to marry a girl named Katy once they are both a little older. Her family, the O’Connells, are ridiculously wealthy, even more so than Kris’s family. Kris doesn’t really have any objections to marrying her: she’s pretty, sweet, and she knows how to make Kris laugh. They would probably have a long life together, with children and wealth.

It’s everything Kris is _supposed_ to want.

-

Back in the suite, Kris finds his guitar lodged between the couch and the wall. His parents are off somewhere, so he thinks it would be okay for now. He thinks about Adam’s words from last night, how he said that it’s unfair that he doesn’t get to play as often as he’d like. Adam is right. If this is the one thing Kris loves in the world, why should he have to hide it?

He plays softly at first, letting himself get familiar with it again. It has been longer than he can remember since he last got to play. His parents didn’t want him to bring the guitar with them in the first place, but there was no way he’d leave it at home for two weeks, even if he never removed it from the case while he was away.

It only takes a moment to fall back into it; the strings against his fingers feel like home. He wishes Adam could be here with him. Kris can practically see the smile that would be on his face as he watches. Kris wishes that he’d get to play for Adam someday, maybe while Adam sings. That would be perfect.

His parents come back a while later. Even though his fingers are raw from playing, he’s not ready to put it down yet. He doesn’t stop when they see him, just plays a little softer. When he thinks he’s going to get away with it, his father shoots him a glare.

“Kristopher, would you please put that away?” he asks. “Your mother has a headache.”

Kris grips the neck of his guitar, trying to stay calm instead of doing something idiotic like lash out at his father. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“Yes, sir.”

-

Standing at the foot of the stairs, dressed in a gorgeous tux, hair slicked back, is Adam. His eyes are scanning the room, looking a little anxious. And just as Kris takes the first few steps towards him, Adam’s eyes flicker up towards him, smiling impossibly bright. Kris’s heart feels like a hummingbird in his chest and he thinks that maybe he is the one Adam is looking for.

“Hi,” Adam says, still grinning at him. He reaches out to straighten Kris’s bow tie, and maybe it’s Kris’s imagination, but his fingers linger there for just a second longer than necessary.

Kris opens his mouth, and idiotically says the first thing that comes to mind. “I thought you were…”

“Poor?”

Kris ducks his head, feeling ashamed that he just assumed. Not that it matters because Kris wants to spend time with him anyway, whether he doesn’t have a cent in his pocket or if he’s the richest man in the world. Something about Adam makes Kris feel at ease, like it is okay to be himself.

Except for right now because he’s utterly humiliated.

Adam doesn’t seem to mind though. He laughs, the sound that has been ringing over and over again in Kris’s head all day, and he shakes his head a little. Kris feels relieved and imagines what would have happened if he said that to any other first class passenger on the ship.

“I’m rich, actually,” he says. “Filthy fucking rich. The only thing my father was ever good for.”

Kris wants to ask him what he means by that, but he decides against it for now.

“I’m just not allergic to those who aren’t,” Adam continues. “I can’t look down upon someone just because they aren’t as fortunate as you and I are. It’s not their fault they weren’t born into a family with money.”

Kris isn’t sure if Adam is accusing him of being that way, and he suddenly feels defensive. “I’m not…”

“No, I know,” Adam cuts him off. “For a boy who spends more time in the third class part of the ship, I figured you weren’t like that.” And then his gaze settles on Kris for a long moment. “I saw you there today, actually. It looked like you were looking for someone.”

Kris wishes the room wasn’t so brightly lit because there is no doubt Adam can see how red his cheeks are. Thankfully, before Kris can say anything, he feels a hand on his shoulder, turning him away from Adam. It’s Leila.

“Kristopher,” she grins, looking between him and Adam. “I see you’ve met my son.”

Kris’s eyes widen for a moment and then, _of course,_ he thinks. How did he not put two and two together before now? Leila only mentioned her son’s name about twenty times last night at dinner. Kris really, really can be an idiot sometimes.

“We met last night, actually,” Adam says. “He’s the boy I was telling you about.”

Kris feels a little knot in his stomach, wondering what Adam had to say about him. But, by the look in Leila’s eye, it seems to have been something positive.

“Shall we?” Adam says, gesturing for Kris to go down the stairs before him. He holds his arm out for his mother and she slips her hand in the crook of his elbow. They stay a few paces behind him, talking quietly and he hears some laughter. He feels a pang of… of jealousy, maybe? Kris tries to think of the last time he shared a moment like that with his mother, but he can’t.

Adam and Leila join his family at their table. He watches as Adam introduces himself to everyone. It’s not until now that Kris realizes how tall Adam is. When he takes the seat next to Kris, they share a smile, and then Kris drops his gaze to the empty dish and row of silverware in front of him.

Others join them at the table, one being Thomas Andrews – or Mr. Andrews, as his mother prefers Kris to call him – the builder of the ship. Kris’s father met him earlier that afternoon at tea and invited him to join them again for dinner. The conversation mostly revolves around him, discussing things about the ship that goes way over Kris’s head. Adam grabs his attention a few times, whether it is him jabbing Kris in the elbow when he grabs the wrong fork, or stealing his dinner roll. Everything between them is easy, like they’ve been eating dinner together for years.

“That doesn’t sound very safe,” his mother says, pulling Kris’s attention back to the conversation.

“Well, of course not, if something were to happen,” Mr. Andrews says, with a smile, “but I assure you, Miss, that I have familiarized myself with every detail of this ship, and you have nothing to worry about.”

Kris glances over at his mother and sees that she doesn’t look convinced. He briefly wonders what they were talking about before he feels a tug on his sleeve and Adam is asking him if he can have the rest of his champagne.

-

“I guess I should be leaving,” Adam says once they are all finished with their desserts and everyone is engaged in small talk. Kris almost stands with him, asking him where he’s going, that he’ll come with him. But then he decides that might be too much, that Adam doesn’t want him around constantly. If Adam does want his company, he’d ask for it.

Adam extends his arm over the table to Kris’s parents, his brother, and Mr. Andrews, saving Kris for last.

He takes Kris’s hand, their eyes meeting. Adam leans closer so he can whisper, “I hope I’ll be seeing you tonight,” and strokes his thumb over the back of Kris’s fingers before letting go. Kris watches Adam as he walks away, turning back to Kris when he reaches the bottom of the stairwell, a smirk on his lips that makes Kris’s stomach feel tingly.

“He’s a nice boy,” he hears his mother say, and he tears his eyes away from the now-empty stairwell where Adam had been. Kris almost starts to agree with her, but the way she is looking at him makes him feel like he has been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “He seems to be quite fond of you.”

Kris opens his mouth a couple of times, but no words come out. He isn’t sure if she is accusing him of something, or just stating a simple fact.

“I guess,” is all he says.

Her eyes stay narrowed as she looks at him for a few more seconds, and then she turns to his father and Mr. Andrews, smiling like this conversation never happened.

-

Kris sneaks out of his room an hour after his parents go to bed. It takes him that long to decide whether or not he should go. His feet make the decision for him when they touch the floor and take him to the spot where he met Adam the night before. And he is there, just like last night, a cigarette in hand. Only this time he’s sitting, his chin turned upwards so he’s looking at the stars.

Kris takes the spot next to him without a second thought. They seem to have an agreement not to speak and settle into a comfortable silence. Words would ruin this.

Later, when Kris’s fingers are numb from the cold, Adam finally says something.

“Do you believe in destiny, Kris?”

Adam is looking at him now, his eyes so blue even in the dark of the night. Kris has never believed in destiny. His life is already mapped out by his mother and father. There is no room for fate to step in. But this, whatever this is with Adam, it feels a little like destiny.

“I don’t know,” he answers lamely, unsure of what else to say. “Why?”

Adam is silent, studying Kris’s face. It seems to have answered all of Adam’s questions because he then brings his cigarette back to his lips and looks up to the stars.

  
[  
](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
 **April 12, 1912**  


“So how long have you been playing?”

Kris doesn’t know if this is coincidental or if they are seeking each other out at this point. They’ve been walking around the ship for the past hour. On his way to brunch, he spotted Adam leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. They shared a glance and Kris made an excuse to his mother that he wasn’t feeling well.

“A few years,” Kris says, glancing down at the guitar in his hand that Adam made him go back and get. “I think my father bought it for decoration, but I took an interest to it. One day I picked it up and I’ve been teaching myself how to play ever since. I’m still not very good. I don’t get to practice much.”

Adam gently grabs Kris’s elbow and pulls him over to a bench, sitting them both down. There’s an excited glint in his eye.

“Play for me.”

Kris looks around nervously. There are _people_ here. He’s never played in front of a single soul before besides his parents, but they hardly count.

“Nobody has ever heard me play.”

Adam rolls his eyes. “Oh, who cares?” he says. “I’m sure you’re not so bad that you’d scare everyone off. Just play a little something,” and then his voice lowers, a small smile on his lips that Kris can’t say no to. “For me?”

With that face, Kris is pretty sure he would give him the world if he could. And after only a few days? It’s unfair.

Kris places his guitar on his lap and runs the pads of his fingers along the smooth texture of the strings. He plays softly, not a particular song or anything he has ever played before, just a simple melody that he thinks Adam would enjoy. His fingers trip up on the strings a few times, but other than that he thinks he sounds alright.

He keeps his head lowered, his eyes focused on the movements of his fingers along the strings. He doesn’t dare look up at Adam for a while, but then the feeling of Adam’s eyes on him becomes too much and he has no choice. The way Adam is looking at him steals his breath away. His eyes are so intense, so focused, like he’s committing every movement Kris makes to memory.

And then, just like that, Adam’s attention goes elsewhere.

“We have an audience.”

Kris looks up from his guitar and standing a few feet away is the woman he saw Adam with the very first day, with the little girl. Adam stands and kisses the woman on the cheek, then kneels down to the height of the little girl and Kris thinks back to when he first saw Adam, just like this.

“Hey Emily,” he says, his voice low and sweet. “It’s nice to see you again.”

She smiles and turns to bury her face in her mother’s leg, mumbling a response.

Adam chuckles. “Would you like to meet my friend?” he asks. “He plays the guitar.”

Her eyes flicker over to Kris, but she doesn’t say anything.

Adam stands and holds his hand out for Kris to take. He does, and pulls himself up to stand at Adam’s side.

“Norah and Emily, this is my new friend Kris,” Adam says. “He was just playing for me.”

Norah smiles. “Nice to meet you,” she says. “You sounded wonderful. We couldn’t help but stop and listen.”

Kris all of a sudden feels shy like the little girl, and ducks his head, mumbling some form of a ‘thank you’.

They don’t stay long. Norah hugs Adam goodbye and promises to see him later.

Kris watches them walk away. “I saw them before when…”

Adam raises his eyebrows, waiting for him to finish.

Kris doesn’t know why he feels embarrassed all of a sudden. He knows that Adam was looking right at him, but maybe he forgot. Kris doesn’t want to be pathetic remembering the moment he first laid eyes on Adam. “The other day, when we first boarded the ship, I saw you… and them…”

Adam grins, his eyes bright. “I saw you too,” he says. “You were standing right over there.” He points to the spot where Kris stood the first time they saw each other. His voice lowers, even though nobody is within twenty or so feet of them. “I was thinking about how cute you were, with your little tie, trying to fit in with everyone else, and how I wanted to come up to you and introduce myself.”

Kris is trying to remember how to breathe. He feels a little taken aback, but in a good way. Girls have told him they think he’s handsome before and, while it is nice thing to say, hearing Adam say it means so much more to him. He wonders how Adam knows that Kris likes boys as well. Nobody would tell another man that they find them cute unless they knew for sure. It wouldn’t end well at all.

Adam is the first boy he has ever met that likes other men, or is at least willing to admit that he does. It makes Kris feel relieved that no, he’s not the only one. He’s not some freak. Maybe being like this isn’t so bad, because Adam is too.

And then it hits him that Adam thinks he’s cute.

“You… why didn’t you?”

Adam smiles and leans back on the bench, turned away from Kris. “I figured if we were supposed to meet each other, I’d see you again,” he says, his eyes flickering over to Kris again. “And I did.”

Kris doesn’t know what any of this means, but it makes him feel like somebody punched him in the gut, and he never wants it to go away.

-

The sun is starting to set, the sky becoming orange and pink. The dinner bell should be ringing soon, but Kris doesn’t want to leave yet. This entire day has been amazing. It was nice to not have to impress anyone, to loosen his tie, to be able to laugh until his belly hurts. Most of all, he likes being around Adam. He has never felt this _good_ around someone before. Someone who listens to what he says and hangs on to every word like what Kris says has significance. Adam doesn’t belittle him, or tell him that his music is stupid.

Kris tries to remind himself that this friendship won’t go beyond this ship. Adam will probably be off having his own adventures, leading a fabulous life that Kris yearns to have for himself. Maybe they’d see each other at times, greet each other like old friends. That’s all there could ever be between them. Adam was never supposed to be a part of the plan.

“You never told me your story,” Kris says, leaning over the rail and looking out to the ocean, the warmth of Adam’s arm against his.

Adam looks over at him, confused.

“The other night, when we met, you said that everyone has a story,” Kris says. “But you never told me yours.”

Adam snorts a laugh, but he doesn’t sound amused. “Oh.”

Kris stays quiet, waiting for Adam to say something, or nothing at all. After a few moments, he finally does talk.

“My father left me and my mother about a year ago,” he says, not looking at Kris. “He was rich, of course. With more money than you could imagine. That’s not why my mother loved him, though. She couldn’t care less about the money.” He pauses, and Kris can see him clench his jaw. “And then one day he was gone. He left us everything he had and just… took off.”

Kris looks at Adam, the sunset a backdrop to his profile. His eyes travel up the curve of Adam’s lips, the arch of his nose, to the anger in his eyes. Kris wants to touch him, to tell him that it’s okay, even if it isn’t.

“I try not to care,” Adam continues. “He left me, so why should I care about him?” He finally looks at Kris, not in his eyes, but at his hands. “Sometimes I wonder if he did care for us, and that’s why he left us the money, or if he didn’t care about any of it, us or the money.”

“Anyway, I guess that’s why money doesn’t matter to me. It was his, so just like him, it’s worthless to me,” he says. “So that’s why my mother and I are here—a fresh start to get as far away from him as possible.”

Kris thinks back to when he met Leila, how she said something so irrelevant means so much to these people. Now he understands.

Kris wants to say something, to make Adam laugh, to see that smile on his face again and make him forget about his stupid father. Only Kris isn’t good with words. Instead he steps closer so they are pressed up all along their sides, blocking anyone’s view from behind, and he takes Adam’s hand in his. He knows it won’t make the pain go away; it won’t make his father come back. But it does make Adam smile.

They stand there, hand in hand, until the dinner bell rings.

-

“Look what I found,” Kris says, pulling a cigar out of his pocket and holding it out to show Adam. He actually stole it from his father when he wasn’t looking—not that he would care either way—but it made Kris feel rebellious for the time being.

Adam grins and pulls out his lighter. “Is that why you dragged me into this insufferable place?”

Instead of skipping out of joining the men in the smoking room after dinner, Kris asked Adam if he’d want to join them tonight. Although Kris hates it, the room is nothing but a cloud of smoke and it makes it impossible to breathe, he wants to spend more time with Adam and he couldn’t think of another excuse.

“I only have one though, so we’ll have to share,” Kris tells him, looking up at Adam through his eyelashes as he lights the cigar.

Adam steps a little closer, crowding Kris in the corner they are somewhat hidden in. His lips are curled into a playful smirk. “What a shame.”

He plucks the cigar from Kris’s fingers, wrapping his lips around the end. His eyes flicker down to Kris’s before he closes them, sucking in a mouthful of smoke, looking as though he’s enjoying it far more than any man should enjoy a cigar. Kris can’t take his eyes off of Adam’s mouth, how soft it looks. His fingers actually twitch, wanting to reach up and just _touch_.

Kris realizes Adam is watching him as well. He almost apologizes, but by the way Adam is looking at him, he doesn’t think Adam minds at all. His stare is predatory and it shoots right through Kris. His mouth goes dry, his palms sweat and his heart is beating madly in his chest. He would give anything in the world for them to be alone right now. If they weren’t in a room full of people, he thinks Adam might kiss him and—despite his better judgment and the fact that he knows it is wrong—Kris has never wanted anything more in his life.

“Here,” Adam says, taking yet another step closer and bringing the cigar to Kris’s lips. His other hand comes up and Kris can feel the gentle pressure of his fingertips against his chest.

Kris closes his eyes when Adam places the cigar between his lips, flicking his tongue over the tip to taste Adam. When he opens his eyes again, Adam is still right there, his eyes focused on Kris’s mouth. And then he steps back, and Kris almost feels dizzy with disappointment.

The realization of where they are is like a sudden slap to the face. He wants to go back to five seconds ago when nobody in the world existed but the two of them.

“I want to see you tomorrow.”

Kris looks back up at him. Adam is turned facing him, one arm braced against the wall near his head, the other has the cigar in his hand. He has a hopeful smile on his lips, almost a little nervous, like he thinks Kris would say no to that.

“Of course,” Kris says, probably with a bit more excitement than he meant, but it makes a grin stretch across Adam’s face. “M-me and my mother are having tea. You should come.”

“Tea would be nice,” Adam says, and his smile softens. “But would your mother mind if I had you to myself for the rest of the afternoon? We can walk around, spot some dolphins in the water. Maybe meet up with Norah and Emily again.”

Kris can only nod because he can’t imagine a better way to spend an afternoon. It makes him feel relieved that Adam wants to see him and wants to spend time with him, that Kris isn’t the only one. He thinks that maybe Adam feels the way he does. That every moment they spend together, maybe Adam has that little tickle in his belly as well.

“Can’t wait.”

  
[  
](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
 **April 13, 1912**  


“Kristopher tells me that you sing.”

Adam silently mouths ‘Kristopher’, a teasing smile on his lips, and then turns to talk to Kris’s mother.

“I do, but usually only to myself,” he says. “Kris snuck up on me the other night and heard me.”

Kris can’t help but feel a little proud, that this boy with the beautiful voice is here with him, and that he likes Kris enough to sing for him. He wants to reach over and take Adam’s hand again, like he did yesterday, missing the feeling of Adam’s palm warm against his, their fingers laced together. He doesn’t even realize he’s staring at Adam’s hands until one of them reaches over to gently touch Kris’s knee. Adam’s eyes are on him, sweet and a little questioning.

“He’s incredible,” Kris says to his mother, but he’s still only looking at Adam.

And then someone clears their throat across the table, Kris is brought back to reality and he remembers where he is. Adam’s hand slides off his knee, looking like he was just reminded that it’s not okay to touch like that here.

His mother is staring at them the same way she was the other night, skeptical of something, but Kris can tell she doesn’t know exactly what it is. She takes a sip of her tea and sets it back down.

“So, has Kristopher told you about the wedding?”

Kris freezes, his eyes wide and his heart in his throat. Why would she…

“No he hasn’t,” Adam says, now looking at Kris. “What wedding?”

Kris swallows thickly, fidgeting with the table cloth. This is stupid. So, so ridiculously stupid. The wedding isn’t even set in stone, he’s only sixteen. It’s possible that there may never even be a wedding. He wishes he could just change the subject and make Adam forget about the whole thing.

“Mother…”

She smiles, trying to feign innocence, but Kris sees right through it. “You didn’t tell him about Katy, dear?”

Kris can literally feel the tension in the room; he can just reach out and touch it. The worst part about it is that Adam looks hurt. He’s got a brave face on, smiling at Kris, but the sparkle that Kris loves so much is gone.

He wishes he could tell Adam right here that he doesn’t want it. Now that he has met Adam, he doesn’t want Katy, or anybody else. It’s crazy because it has only been a couple of days, but that’s just the way it is.

“Nothing’s official,” Kris whispers as quietly as he can, despite the fact that his mother is three feet across from them. “I don’t even…”

“She’s a beautiful girl,” she cuts him off, taking another sip of tea.

Adam drops the façade and just looks _sad_ now. Kris begins to reach over to touch him, but stops himself. It would only make things worse. His mother knows now, or at least suspects something between Kris and Adam.

He doesn’t know what to do.

-

They only have to endure his mother for ten more minutes before they are able to leave. Adam’s pace is quick, and Kris struggles to keep up. They find themselves in an empty corridor, but Kris knows that people are in their rooms, just a few inches of wood separating those people from the two of them. He’s afraid of what they might hear.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have a fiancée waiting for you at home?” Adam yells at Kris over his shoulder, not slowing down.

Kris is a little out of breath. “Because it doesn’t mean anything,” he says, and it’s partially true. It doesn’t have to mean anything, if he doesn’t want it to. “And I didn’t know…”

Finally Adam spins around and Kris almost knocks into him. His neck is red and Kris can see the anger in his eyes. “Didn’t know what, Kris?”

“I didn’t know it was something I was supposed to tell you.”

Adam’s mouth opens and closes, his arms flail out to the sides, and he lets out a frustrated growl. “What does that even mean?”

Kris is at a loss for words. He wishes he could take Adam someplace private for this conversation, but there is no privacy on a ship.

He moves closer to Adam, placing a hand on his arm. Thankfully, Adam doesn’t pull away. “Listen to me,” he says in a hushed voice, waiting for Adam to look at him. When he finally does, Kris continues. “I don’t know why my mother told you that. The marriage thing… it’s nothing. It isn’t even about love, it’s about money. I promise you. I’m allowed to back out of it if I want to. It’s not supposed to happen for a couple more years anyway.”

Adam takes a deep breath, looking away from Kris. He still doesn’t look satisfied. “Am I crazy to think…” he trails off.

Kris squeezes his arm. “To think what?” he asks. “Come on, tell me.”

Adam licks his lips, looking back at him, a hand coming up to rest on Kris’s chest. “That you and I, you know… that there is something going on between us.”

Kris swallows the lump in his throat. He wishes he could feel relieved, but somehow it just makes him even more terrified. “No,” he says. “You’re not crazy to think that. But, Adam…” he hears a noise that makes him nearly jump out of his skin. He waits a moment, but then nobody appears. “Do you realize how much trouble this could get us into?”

Adam pulls away. “I know, Kris. Believe me, I know. I’ve seen it before and I’m _scared_ , okay?” He looks like he’s on the verge of tears. “But that doesn’t make the feelings go away. It’s there and it’s like this constant _thing_ and it doesn’t make any sense because I’ve only known you for three days.”

It doesn’t make sense to Kris either, but he knows exactly how Adam feels. It’s like this burn constantly in his chest that only intensifies when Adam is around.

“I don’t know what to do,” Kris admits, his voice barely above a whisper.

Adam sounds defeated. “Neither do I,” he says. “I’m thinking maybe we should just leave it alone. There is no point of having this… this _thing_ when in a few days when we’re off this ship, we’ll never see each other again. Why not just save ourselves the pain and back out of it now?”

Now Kris is angry. “Okay, let’s just back out of it right now,” he spits back at Adam. “Let’s just forget that these past few days happened. I’ll try not to feel anything when I see you at dinner, or walking around the ship. I’m sure that will _save me pain_.” The anger builds up and he curls his fingers in a tight fist, punching the wall next to him. “You’re such an idiot!”

The next thing Kris knows, his back is against the wall, his shirt balled up in Adam’s fists, and their faces just mere inches apart. He can feel Adam’s breath against his face, hot and damp. There is hunger in Adam’s eyes. He looks like he wants to ravish Kris right there against the wall, where anyone could see them.

“Are you going to kiss me?” Kris whispers, the desperation in his own voice surprises him. He wants it. He wants Adam to close the small gap between their lips and just take him.

But he doesn’t.

Adam lets go of his shirt, smoothing it out on his chest. He takes a step back and looks up at Kris with renewed eyes. There’s no longer that intense look of want. He looks apologetic, and Kris wants to smack him for it.

“I’ll see you at dinner,” he says, and turns to leave.

-

Walking back, Kris’s thoughts are so loud in his head that he can’t hear anything from his surroundings. He wants to scream and cry and punch things. Why can’t this be simple? Why isn’t he allowed to just have Adam? Kris wants this so much and it isn’t fair that he’s not allowed.

He doesn’t know what the repercussions would be if he were to just go for it. His family would disown him; he has absolutely no doubts about that. If he’s being honest with himself, that isn’t even his biggest fear. The rest of the world would shut them out, treat them worse than third class citizens. He doesn’t even mind much for himself, but Adam deserves the world, and being with Kris would only take it away from him.

-

Kris is surprised when Adam takes the seat next to him. He turns to look, but Adam’s eyes are looking straight ahead, avoiding Kris’s gaze. His eyes settle on Adam’s lips and he feels a burn in his chest when he thinks about their almost-kiss earlier.

The waiter comes out to pour the champagne moments later, and Kris takes advantage of the distraction. Kris leans a bit closer so Adam will be able to hear his whisper.

“I’m sor-”

Adam cuts him off. “Meet me at the clock five minutes after I leave.”

Kris looks at him, their eyes finally meeting. “What?”

“If we get up at the same time, they’ll suspect something,” Adam says.

Kris nods slowly. “Okay, but where are we going?”

All he gets is a smile in response.

-

Kris counts the seconds, literally, until he finally gets up to meet Adam, mumbling an excuse of not feeling well. Nobody even gives him a second look, not even his mother.

Adam is right where he said he’d be, standing in front of the clock, his back turned towards Kris. He takes a deep breath, all of a sudden a swarm of butterflies in his stomach, and heads up the stairs. Adam turns to him once he gets to the top.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d ever talk to me again,” Kris confesses. The entire time between their last encounter and dinner, he’s been pacing around, praying that Adam doesn’t hate him.

The corner of Adam’s mouth quirks up. “I almost didn’t,” he says. “I went down there dead set on ignoring you, but when I saw you sitting there at the table, I crumbled.” Adam’s chest rises and falls slowly as he takes a breath. “You have no idea what you do to me, Kris Allen.” He takes another step closer, their faces just inches apart. “And I realized that once we get off this ship, there is a possibility that we may never see each other again and I want to take advantage of every moment I can possibly have with you.”

Kris’s knees almost buckle just by the intensity of Adam’s eyes.

“I…” he pauses, needing to swallow his heart back down. He figures he should say something back that would make Adam’s heart beat madly in his chest as well, but Kris is at a loss for words. “Where are we going?”

A brilliant smile grows on Adam’s face.

-

Kris has never been to this part of the ship. It is not as clean as the inside corridors for first class, the lighting isn’t as good. There is also a faint odor, but for the most part, it looks pretty similar.

Without even thinking, Kris slips his hand into Adam’s. “Where exactly are you taking me?”

Adam groans, trying to sound annoyed, but his smile gives him away. “Kris, would you please just trust me and stop asking so many questions?”

Kris frowns. “My parents would kill me if they knew where I was.”

Adam makes another noise, only this time he spins Kris around so they are facing each other, his hands gripping Kris’s shoulders, shaking him a bit. “Stop caring what your parents think,” he says. “Don’t you ever get a chance to just _be_ sixteen?”

“Maybe when I was eight.”

Adam throws his head back and laughs, which is most definitely Kris’s favorite sound in the world. His hands come up to cradle Kris’s face. “Well, then I think it is fate that brought us together,” he says, his hands dropping a few inches to mess with Kris’s tie. “Tonight it is my mission to make you laugh and get ridiculously drunk and just forget about the world.”

Kris doesn’t think he’d mind forgetting about the world, at least just for a night.

-

“What is this place?” Kris yells over the loud banging of drums and bagpipes, hanging onto Adam’s arm. It reeks of stale beer and cigarette smoke. People are dancing, laughing, and having the time of their lives. It is loud and exciting, a completely different world compared to upstairs.

Adam tugs him closer to his side, leaning down to say in Kris’s ear, “It’s exactly what you need.”

His fingers come up to curl around the back of Kris’s neck for a moment before he lets go. Kris knows that no matter how different the world is down here, the two of them together still wouldn’t be accepted. He still stays close to Adam as they weave through everyone, finding Norah at a table.

“Nice to see you again,” she says, bringing her beer up to her lips.

Kris sits down next to her and Adam takes two beers from one of the servers, placing one in front of Kris. He scoots his chair in closer so their knees touch. Others are at the table, dancing in their seats and drinking their beers. One is small, built a little like Kris with the same brown hair and similar features.

“I’m Brad,” he says, extending a hand out with a smile. His eyes flicker between Adam and Kris, raising an eyebrow, smirking over his glass, but he says nothing.

In not very long at all, Kris is drunk. He hasn’t had very much alcohol in his life, so it goes right through him. Adam stays close, watching over him and making him feel safe. The entire time he feels Adam’s hand tapping against the back of his chair. It makes Kris feel warm all over.

He hasn’t gotten up from his seat. The last thing he wants to do is dance drunk in front of all of these people. Not that they’d care, considering how drunk the rest of them are. Kris feels content where he is, watching Adam dance with some of the girls. He practically flies over the wooden dance floor, literally sweeping the girls off their feet. When Adam is in his seat, Kris’s eyes never leave the men with instruments, pounding out a steady rhythm throughout the entire evening.

“Ask them if you can play,” Adam says, leaning close to his ear.

Kris shakes his head, finishing off his third—or is it fourth?—beer. There is another one in front of him before he can even swallow. “My guitar is back in the room,” he says. “I wouldn’t even know what I was doing.”

“Bullshit,” Adam says, taking Kris by the hand and pulling him from this seat. “Kris here,” Adam says as he takes a seat next to one of the men with a guitar, yanking Kris down in the seat next to his, “is a magnificent guitar player. Would you mind if he borrows yours for a moment?”

The man hands him his guitar without a word. Kris puts it in his lap and it feels foreign. He has never played any other guitar than his own. This one is so worn and used.

Adam elbows him. “Well, go on.”

“I don’t even know what they are playing.”

Adam leans in even closer and his warm breath smells like rum. “Just _feel_ it.”

-

Sometime later—how much time he has no idea—Kris’s fingers are numb and he’s having so much fun that he’s dizzy with it. Adam keeps looking down at him, like he’s making sure Kris is having the time of his life every second of the night, and smiling so wide that Kris yearns to kiss him.

Right now, Adam is by himself in the middle of the dance floor, moving to the beat of the drums. Everyone is clapping along, watching him. Kris realizes right then that Adam is meant to always be the center of attention.

Adam is waving at him, trying to get Kris up there as well. He shakes his head. Kris is very content right here, thank you very much. But Adam isn’t having it. He steps off the floor and bounds right up to Kris, plucking the guitar from his hands and setting it down carefully on the floor.

“Dance with me,” Adam says, a smile on his face that makes it nearly impossible to say no.

Kris looks over Adam’s shoulder. There are already others dancing. “But what would they think of two men dancing?”

“Who cares what they think?” Adam says, reaching for his hand. “Are you coming with me or am I going to have to find somebody else?”

Okay, that smile is _definitely_ impossible to say no to. Kris crumbles, letting Adam pull him up. They keep enough distance between them so that anyone watching would just think they are playing around.

With the soft touch of Adam’s hand on his hip and the alcohol in his blood, Kris has never felt so good. He keeps up with Adam, matching step for step, feeling the energy of those around him and the music vibrating through him.

And then Adam is spinning them, around and around, until Kris can no longer catch his breath.

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
 **April 14, 1912**

They stumble onto the deck, both smelling of smoke and far too drunk. They are laughing—at what Kris has no idea. He hasn’t been able to stop laughing and smiling the entire night. It’s the first time in his life that he’s ever been able just to _be_. Not having to worry about proper etiquette, or if he’s slouching, or if his tie is crooked. His tie isn’t even on anymore.

Adam’s fingers are curled in a tight grip around Kris’s forearm—maybe to hold himself up, or maybe he just wants to touch him. Either way, Kris doesn’t want him to let go.

“The sun is coming up,” Adam says, the smile slowly fading from his face, but his eyes are still sparkling. Kris watches as he looks over horizon of the open sea, the soft orange glow from the rising sun on his skin. “Isn’t it gorgeous?”

Kris closes his eyes for a moment. It feels like someone reached in his chest and smothered his heart. He didn’t know he could feel this way about anyone, about a boy, especially only after such a short time. It has only been days, hours, since they’ve known each other. It’s scary but he never wants this to go away.

When Kris opens his eyes, Adam is looking at him. His eyes are soft and there is a near smile on his lips. Kris has an irrational fear that Adam can read his mind, or maybe he said those things aloud.

And then Adam’s hand is on his face, barely there, his fingertips like flower petals on his cheek. Kris feels the touch all the way down to his toes. Never in his life has he been touched like this, with such tenderness, like Kris is some fragile being that will break if not handled with care.

Adam is looking at him with a burn in his eyes. Kris has never been kissed before, but he’s certain that is what is going to happen. His heart stammers in his chest, and he holds his breath when he feels the soft touch of Adam’s lips against his own.

“Adam,” Kris whispers, his hands coming up to grasp Adam’s rumpled shirt, his jacket long gone.

He knows they shouldn’t be doing this. Anyone could turn the corner and see them. Kris doesn’t care. Nothing else matters but the taste of Adam’s mouth and the warmth of his hand on Kris’s cheek.

The kiss goes on forever. It’s messy and playful and better than Kris could ever imagine a first kiss could be. Adam nibbles on Kris’s bottom lip as he pulls away, panting. His lips look sinful. Kris can’t believe that it is all because of him.

“I want you to come with me,” Adam gasps, Kris’s face cradled in his hands, his thumbs stroking Kris’s cheeks. His eyes are shining down on him, blue and bright and happy. Kris never wants him to stop being happy, ever. “When the ship docks, we could get off together. Me, you, and my mom. I would make you so happy, Kris. You’d finally have a chance to be happy.”

Kris’s heart soars in his chest. It couldn’t possibly be that simple, could it? To just leave his family to be with Adam. It’s _crazy._ They’ve known each other for only a few days. But Adam’s face… Kris doesn’t think he could go the rest of his life without seeing that face again.

It’s too much to take in all at once, so he doesn’t answer. Instead, he brings their mouths back together for another kiss.

-

Kris stands with his back against the door, not ready to go in yet. The world feels like a hazy mess, wonderful and bright. His heart just won’t calm down in his chest, no matter how many deep breaths he takes. Once he steps through that door, he knows that this perfect little bubble will pop and he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to get back in it.

He takes one last deep breath and eases the door open, not wanting to make much noise. The sun rose just moments ago, so he expects everyone to still be asleep. That’s why the air leaves his lungs when he spots his parents sitting there, already in their clothes for the day, waiting for him. They don’t look upset. His mother seems to be eerily calm, but Kris can see right through her. His sweaty fingers push the door shut and he stands there, waiting for whatever is coming to him.

“You never came back last night,” his father says, eyeing Kris, undoubtedly noticing that Kris is in the same clothes from the previous night, only rumpled and untucked.

“No, sir,” Kris manages to say, despite the fact that he’s barely able to breathe. “I didn’t.”

Kris flinches at the sight of his father clenching his jaw. It’s what he does when he’s so angry that he can hardly hold it in any longer. His father would never _hurt_ him, Kris knows that. It’s usually never more than a rosy cheek and tears stinging his eyes, nothing that he can’t handle.

“Where were you?”

He wishes he could tell them the truth. That he spent an entire evening down with the third class passengers, drinking and smoking, and then kissing Adam for a long, long time. His heart thuds in his chest thinking about it and he almost forgets that he’s supposed to be scared right now.

“You were with that boy,” his mother says, and it’s not a question. There is not a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

It feels like a weight pressing down on Kris’s chest. “Yes, ma’am,” he swallows. “I was.”

She exchanges a look with his father, somehow communicating with nothing more than their eyes. Finally, his father stands up and Kris takes a step back when he takes a step closer.

“Your mother and I have been talking while you were sneaking around doing God knows what,” he says, his voice suddenly calm. Kris isn’t sure if he likes it. “We don’t want you seeing that boy anymore.”

His father hasn’t touched him, he’s still quite a few feet away, but Kris feels like he’s been smacked in the face. He wants to yell at them. Tell them that he isn’t _that boy_. His name is Adam, and Kris is goddamn crazy about him. He wants to refuse their wishes and run off to find Adam, never having to see them again. He wants to tell them that last night was the best night of his life, where he was free to laugh and play and have fun.

Kris is not going to do any of that. But he’s not going to accept it either.

“Why not?”

Now his father is starting to grow frustrated, as if he expected Kris to just agree with this. Actually, when Kris thinks about it, why wouldn’t they expect that? Kris has never stood up for anything before in his life. He’s told what to do and he does it, no questions asked. But not this, not Adam.

“We’ve heard things about him,” his mother says from her seat, her expression is cold. “He is not the kind of person we want being associated with our family.”

Kris feels anger bubbling up inside of him. He curls his fingers into his palms and bites down hard. Lashing out on them wouldn’t be smart right now. “What kind of _things_?” he asks, a little more bite in his voice than there should’ve been.

“Kristopher, don’t play stupid,” she says, standing up as well. “We’ve seen the two of you together.”

Kris ducks his head and mutters under his breath, “You haven’t seen anything.”

His father inches closer. “What did you just say?”

“Nothing,” Kris says, looking up to meet his father’s gaze. “I didn’t say anything.”

He hears his mother huff. “Very well,” she says. “It’s agreed. You will not be seeing that boy anymore.”

Kris closes his eyes, and something inside of him snaps. “Adam,” he says, his voice clear and confident, despite the fact that he’s absolutely terrified. “His name is Adam, and I haven’t agreed to anything.”

Before Kris can blink, his father is right there, so close that Kris can smell the mixture of tea and scotch on his breath.

“You will _never_ speak to your mother like that again, do you understand me?” he says harshly, a finger pointed in Kris’s face. “And you are to never see that boy again. I have worked my entire life to build a good reputation for this family and I’m not going to let you ruin it because of some… some…”

Kris gathers the courage and tilts his chin up to his father, confident. “Because of some what, father?” he asks in a snide tone. “What is it you think I’m out there doing with him?”

And then he feels a slap to his face—a hard one, right across his cheek. It hurts, and Kris brings his hand up to cover the burning flesh. As much as he tries not to, his mouth is trembling from the pain.

His father starts speaking between gritted teeth. “If anyone ever finds out what you’re doing with that boy, I swear to God--”

“Kristopher,” his mother says, butting his father out of the way. She is no longer looking at him like she is ashamed or angry. If he didn’t know any better, he might think she feels a little bit sorry for him. “It isn’t right.”

Kris steps back and looks at them. It isn’t just them, he knows. It is everybody. The world wouldn’t accept him with Adam. They would treat them just like his parents did, maybe even worse. He wants to understand why. It isn’t fair to him, or to Adam, or to any other man in the world with the same feelings buried deep inside of them.

They are watching him, waiting for a response. He’s waiting for his own response. Honestly, what is there to do? His options are to run, which, no matter where he runs, his parents will eventually be able to find him. The ship is large, but it’s not that large. The smart thing would be to stay and forget about Adam. He should simply move on and let Adam become a memory.

But Kris isn’t sure if he can do that.

-

Kris feels the gentle press of fingers against his back, immediately able to tell that it’s Adam. It should be an impossible thing to know, but Adam’s touches are different than anyone else’s. Kris wants to lean back into that touch, maybe drag him someplace private, but he can’t. He shouldn’t even be with Adam right now.

“Hey you,” Adam says, a smile in his voice, but Kris hasn’t let himself look up at his face yet. Once he does, he’s not sure that he’ll be able to tell him.

Kris tries to calm his heart down, beating erratically in his chest, partially from nerves, but mostly from Adam’s lingering hand on his back and his warmth at Kris’s side. He surveys the area and of course they couldn’t be in a more crowded area of the ship. Suddenly he feels like all eyes are on him.

“I was looking for you and—what happened to your face?” Adam asks, and Kris finally looks up at him. Adam’s blue eyes fill with worry and his hand comes up, fingers delicately tracing Kris’s cheek, his face falling when Kris flinches away. “Kris?”

Kris bites his lip to keep himself from doing something stupid like crying. He can’t even remember the last time he cried, but that’s what he wants, to have Adam hold him while he cries. Instead his eyes fall to the door at his right, and he takes Adam’s hand.

“C’mon,” he says, pulling Adam and poking his head through the door. It’s a gymnasium that Kris didn’t even know was on the ship, and thankfully it is empty. Once the door is closed behind him, Kris takes Adam by the lapels of his jacket, pushes him against it, and does the stupidest thing he could possibly do. He kisses him.

It’s nothing like their first kiss. Their first kiss was playful and loving, slowly getting used to the taste of each other’s mouths. This one is desperate, too much tongue and teeth, their hands grabbing and pulling. Kris doesn’t even know what he’s doing other than he wants to bury himself inside of Adam, and Adam seems to want exactly that as well.

When they finally pull back to breathe, Kris’s lips are stinging. They probably look just like Adam’s, red and puffy, and delicious. Kris gets on his toes to take Adam’s bottom lip into his mouth, nibbling a little, tearing a moan from Adam’s throat. He places a soft kiss there and steps back.

“I wasn’t expecting that,” Adam says, breathless, there is a blush on his cheeks and he looks a little shy. He’s so beautiful that it makes Kris want to scream.

Kris licks his lips, still sore from the kiss. “I shouldn’t have,” he says regretfully, although he doesn’t regret that kiss at all. “I had a _plan_ , but then I saw you, and…”

“A plan?” Adam asks. “Kris, what are you talking about, a plan to do what?”

Kris steps out of Adam’s embrace, watching his arms fall to his side. This is going to be their last moment together, so Kris wants to get it right. He wants to make Adam understand that this isn’t what he wants. _Adam_ is what he wants.

“I can’t see you anymore,” he whispers, ducking his head to save himself from seeing the disappointment on Adam’s face. “I’m not allowed to.”

There is a long stretch of silence, and then Adam breathes, “Oh.”

“My parents… when I got back this morning, they were waiting up for me. They knew I was with you, and-and,” he stutters, looking everywhere but at Adam. His throat is startling to swell up, his eyes pricked with tears. “They don’t like it when I’m with you.”

Adam takes a few steps forward and reaches up to cup Kris’s face in his hand, stroking his bruised cheek with his thumb. “Kris,” he whispers.

“I got back this morning and I was _so happy._ That kiss and last night and you.” He reaches up to Adam’s hand on his cheek and wraps his fingers gently around his wrist, holding it there.

Adam presses a few soft kisses Kris’s cheek. “What did they do to you?”

“Nothing really,” Kris says, his thumb stroking the back of Adam’s hand. “It was just a slap and I probably deserved it after what I said to him.” He looks up at Adam’s face, his heart literally breaking in his chest as he says it. “They know, Adam,” he says. “They know about us and they forbid me to see you ever again.”

Adam’s eyes are shiny, a sad pout on his lips. He knows just as well as Kris does that there is no point in fighting it. His parents have won, and Kris is going to lose Adam. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does. Four days ago, there wasn’t even an Adam, but now that he has had this taste of happiness, he never wants to let it go.

Kris blinks and a tear escapes, rolling down his cheek. Adam’s thumb catches it and wipes it away. “Sad boy,” Adam whispers, leaning in to capture Kris’s lips with his own. “They’re not going to keep me from you.”

He looks both unsure and determined. Kris wants to believe him, but they are already in way over their heads. He’s starting to think that what Adam said yesterday is right, just back out of it now.

“Meet me tonight, okay?”

Kris sighs. “Adam, I’m not--”

Adam pets the side of his face. “I know we’re not, I know. Just… meet me.”

“Okay.”

-

His mother’s questioning eyes greet him when he steps into the room.

“I told him exactly what you said,” Kris tells her. “I won’t be seeing him anymore.”

And she smiles.

-

They have a plan. Kris just needs to be brave enough to follow through with said plan. This is how the remainder of his time on this ship will be. He’s going to have to sneak off, even if it’s just for a few moments, to be with Adam. The only problem is that his parents have been watching him like a hawk.

The entire day has been dreadful. He hadn’t realized exactly how much time he has been spending with Adam until he wasn’t allowed to anymore. His parents are constantly there by his side, like if they leave him alone for one second, he’ll be off with Adam somewhere. Which, okay, that is the plan, but they aren’t aware of it yet.

Standing on top of the stairs, by the clock, Kris fidgets with his cufflinks. Next to him, Daniel keeps staring at him.

“What?” Kris finally asks, getting annoyed. He and Daniel barely ever speak to each other. It’s like they live on two completely different worlds which happen to be in the same house.

“How come they are so angry with you?” he asks, and Kris is surprised Daniel doesn’t already know.

Kris sighs and looks away from his brother. “It’s nothing.”

There is a stretch of silence, and Kris thinks the conversation is over, but then Daniel talks again. “Does it have to do with the boy you’re always sitting next to at dinner?” he asks. “Adam, is it?”

Kris lets out another sigh and decides to just tell Daniel. He’s persistent and won’t stop until he knows everything.

“Yeah, they don’t want me to see him anymore.”

Daniel frowns a bit. “How come?”

Even though there are only thirteen months separating the two of them, Kris feels decades older than Daniel. He still views the world in such a naive way that Kris doesn’t understand. How have they been raised by the same parents, but Kris has grown up so much faster? Maybe Daniel just doesn’t feel that he has to.

He isn’t sure how to explain why he isn’t allowed to see Adam anymore to Daniel. _Because I’m in love with him and our parents forbid it,_ is a bit more than Daniel needs to know. His brother probably isn’t even aware of that kind of thing, from how closed off his parents have kept the two of them. They have never been around it, or seen it. If Kris didn’t have these feelings boiling inside of him, he probably wouldn’t be aware of it himself.

But before Kris can answer, Daniel stops him. “If you want to go off and see him, I can cover for you.”

Or maybe he understands more than Kris thinks he does.

“I don’t want to put you in the middle. I’m in enough trouble as it is.”

Daniel shrugs like it’s no big deal, and maybe it’s not. “They can’t do anything to you, Kristopher. They are our parents. Besides a little yelling and another hit to your face,” his eyes linger on the still reddened spot on Kris’s cheek, “they can’t do anything.”

Kris now realizes why Daniel seems so many years younger than he does. He’s not living in the fear of their parents, constantly worrying what is going to happen if he steps just one foot out of line.

They don’t say anything else after that, but Kris keeps thinking about it as they take their seats at the table. His father has somehow managed to make sure every seat is filled at their table so there is no room for Adam or Leila. A part of that angers Kris, but he can’t say he wasn’t expecting it.

Over at another table, he sees Leila and an empty chair next to hers. His eyes travel up to see that she is already staring at him. She nods her head a little, motioning towards the direction they came in. Kris brings his hand up to the right side of his face so his mother can’t see, and he mouths, _what?_

She nods her head in that direction again and mouths something that Kris is pretty sure is _Adam_. Kris feels a little stutter of his heart.

Adam is waiting for him somewhere.

Kris nods, letting her know that he understands, and Leila turns back to the people at her table, but not before giving an unpleasant look to Kris’s mother at his side.

“I need to use the restroom,” Kris says abruptly, eager to see Adam. It has been hours since he has seen him and that is just too long. “I’m not feeling too well.”

His mother looks at him and he can already tell that she doesn’t believe it, but Daniel goes along with it before she can react. “You mentioned a stomach ache earlier.” Kris wants to hug him.

Another moment and she nods. “Alright, dear,” she says. “Hurry back.”

Kris stands and excuses himself from the others at the table. “I’ll just be a moment.”

His legs quickly carry him around the corner and through the double glass doors. He’s about to thank the two men opening the doors for him, but then he spots Adam and they no longer exist. They slowly take a few steps towards each other and Kris’s heart is thudding loudly in his chest. He wants to touch him more than anything else in the world, but he can’t right now.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come,” Adam says, a smile stretches on his lips when his eyes flicker down to Kris’s tie. His hands come up to straighten it. “You and your ties.”

When Adam finishes, his knuckles gently grazes Kris’s jaw line before dropping his hands back down to his sides.

Kris licks his lips and looks down shyly. “I needed to see you.”

They stand there in an uncomfortable silence, but in a good way. It’s an ‘I need to get you alone before I go absolutely insane’ kind of uncomfortable. Kris can tell by the fire in Adam’s eyes that he’s feeling the same way right now. They’ve realized that they need each other, and it will be impossible to stay away.

“Do you need to go back?” Adam says eventually.

Kris should go back to his parents and promise to see Adam later. This is so risky. There is no doubt in this mind that his parents will come looking for him in a matter of minutes. But then his mind replays what Daniel said to him. _They can’t do anything._ There is nothing he hates more than being smacked in the face by his parents, but looking at Adam in front of him, so warm and tall and unbearably gorgeous, Kris knows it would be worth it.

“No,” he says, puffing his chest out confidently. “I’m staying with you.”

Adam opens his mouth to protest, but Kris stops him. “I’ve been living my life by what they want for too long,” he says. “It’s time to do what I want, and you are what I want. _Fuck_ them.”

Surprised laughter escapes from Adam’s lips. Kris realizes that he has never cursed in front of Adam before, or anybody, really. He runs his hand down Kris’s chest. “You’re right. Fuck ‘em.”

“So what do we d-”

And suddenly there is an echo of Kris’s name from around the corner. He immediately recognizes the voice as his father’s. Their eyes widen and before they can even agree on anything, they take each other’s hand, and run.

-

“Where are we?” Kris whispers. The fingers of his one hand are tightly entwined with Adam’s while the others are curled around Adam’s bicep, staying closely behind him. They ran, and ran, and ran until they both felt winded and far away as possible from his father.

Adam glances at him over his shoulder with a mischievous grin. “Somewhere we’re not supposed to be.”

They walk for a while, trying to open doors but each one is locked. He knows that they are deep down in the ship, probably where nobody except the crew is supposed to be. Finally, when Adam turns the doorknob to one of the doors towards the end of the hallway, it opens. He quickly pokes his head inside and turns on a light. The room is empty, for the most part, besides some giant cabinets that Kris assumes is for storage, but he doesn’t care enough to go snooping.

Kris turns to lock the door behind him. His palms are suddenly slick with sweat and his heart is beating furiously. The room seems so still. The only sound he hears is Adam’s breath from behind him. Kris messes with the lock on the door longer than he needs to, trying to take a moment to compose himself.

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath, and turns around. Adam’s jacket is off and tossed to the floor. His eyes are flickering around the room while messing with unbuttoning the sleeves of his shirt. Their eyes eventually meet, and the smile on Adam’s lips is sweet. It calms Kris a bit, and makes him feel okay about what might happen.

He slowly takes small steps towards Adam. This feeling he has is completely new to Kris. It’s like this flame burning inside of him. He needs it, whatever Adam is willing to give him.

“Kris,” Adam whispers so low that he could barely hear it. Kris is close to him now, having to tilt his chin up just to look at Adam’s face. He lifts his hand and slowly runs two fingers down Adam’s cheek, his neck, resting his palm against his open collar. His skin is smooth and there are freckles. Kris wants to open the rest of his shirt to see exactly how many there are.

He decides to do just that.

He brings his shaky hands to the buttons of Adam’s shirt, unbuttoning the first, and then the second. His eyes flicker up to meet Adam’s as he leans in, pressing a kiss against the soft, warm skin. The look in Adam’s eyes lets Kris know that this is okay, that Adam wants it as well. His gaze is dark and intense, looking at Kris like he wants to ravish him.

They have never even spoken about this. It was never his intention when he had gotten up to meet Adam. But, as soon as the door closed behind them, there was no way that it wasn’t going to happen. These past few days have been crazy and intense, turning their lives upside-down and barely giving them a chance to breathe. Kris needs this release. He needs to feel Adam all around him.

“Are you sure?” Adam gasps as Kris continues to kiss a trail from his neck to his chest, his hands still unbuttoning Adam’s shirt, one by one until it falls open. Kris slides his hands in beneath the soft material and places them on Adam’s stomach.

“I want this,” he mumbles against the skin of Adam’s collar bone, his voice so desperate that it surprises him. “Please, Adam.”

The only warning Kris gets is the groan ripped from Adam’s throat before his back is pressed against the wall and Adam’s mouth is on his. It reminds him of earlier, in the gymnasium, only now Adam’s shirt is halfway off his body and Kris gets to touch all of that skin.

Adam must suddenly realize that Kris is still fully clothed because his hands become frantic, pulling and tugging on Kris’s clothing, trying to get everything off at once but not wanting to break the kiss. Adam keeps sucking on his tongue and nipping at his lips; Kris thinks he could get off on just that alone. But judging by how desperate Adam is to get Kris’s belt off, he knows Adam has plans for him.

He drops his head back, needing a moment to breathe, and Adam attacks his neck, biting and probably leaving marks. Suddenly Kris’s pants drop to the floor, pooling around his ankles, and he feels the cool air against his skin. It sobers him a little, making him realize that, _oh my god, this is for real._ And then Adam sinks to his knees and mouths at Kris’s cock through his underwear. He loses all train of thought after that.

Adam’s breath is hot and Kris can feel it seeping through the material of his underwear. He runs his tongue along Kris’s length, sucking at the wet spot where the head is leaking. Kris grasps at the walls for anything that will keep his knees from buckling.

Adam peels Kris’s underwear off and Kris doesn’t have time to feel self-conscious because there are fingers wrapped around his cock, stroking slowly. “I’ve been wanting to do this to you ever since I laid eyes on you,” Adam whispers, looking up at him, eyes wild and predatory. “You were standing there looking so innocent. I wanted to _devour_ you.”

Kris gasps as Adam squeezes his cock, his head slamming hard against the wall. He opens his mouth and breathes, “Then do it.”

And Adam does.

His hands grasp Kris’s hips so hard that it will bruise, and then he swallows Kris whole. He lets out an embarrassing squeak and his hands bury themselves in Adam’s thick black hair, pulling hard. Kris bucks his hips, fucking the wet, tight heat of Adam’s mouth. He isn’t sure if he’s supposed to do that, but then he feels Adam moan around his cock.

Adam does a trick with his tongue and Kris is coming down his throat. He hadn’t expected to last long. How could he? Nobody has ever touched him there other than himself. He never knew it was possible for someone else to make him feel so good. His body is spent and tired, but he also feels like he’s intoxicated, all at once.

Still on his knees, Adam is lapping at Kris’s cock with his tongue. Kris has to push him away because it’s too much. He can’t help the moan that escapes his lips at the sight of Adam’s mouth—red and wet from spit and his come. Kris pulls Adam up to his feet and grabs his face with his hands, leaning in to lick his mouth clean.

He hears Adam fumbling with his own belt, in a hurry to get naked. Kris tugs the shirt that was already halfway off of Adam and tosses it to the floor, letting his hands roam over Adam’s back. And then when he hears Adam’s belt hit the floor, Adam is pulling him close so Kris can feel him, hot and hard against his stomach.

His hand slithers down to touch Adam. Kris doesn’t even have to look to feel how big it is. He hears Adam suck in a breath, his mouth open and panting as Kris begins to stroke him. “What do you want?” Kris asks, looking down to watch his hand wrapped around Adam’s cock. He wants to make Adam lose control just like he had moments ago. “Tell me what you want.”

Adam buries his face in Kris’s neck, his breath hot and damp. “This,” he breathes, his fingers digging into Kris’s back, his nails breaking the skin. “Just… don’t stop,” he begs, “please.”

Kris starts stroking him faster, wanting to get him off, wanting to see him come. Adam starts thrusting in his hand, Kris’s name repeatedly on his lips. Kris feels teeth sink into the spot where his neck meets his shoulder, and then Adam is coming all over his hand. He strokes until Adam bats his hand away, hugging Kris even closer to him. Kris wraps his arms around Adam’s trembling body, rubbing his clean hand in smooth circles on his back.

Adam’s weight is heavy, Kris trapped between his warm body and the wall. He can hear Adam murmuring unintelligible things in his ear, and he thinks he might have caught an _I love you._

-

They make a makeshift bed on the floor and use their pants as pillows and their jackets as blankets. It isn’t comfortable at all, but having Adam snuggled close makes it okay. They both doze off for a while, and Kris wakes first, enjoying the view of a sleeping Adam. He runs his fingers down Adam’s arm, over the freckles and the light hair, stopping at Adam’s fingers. His eyes flutter open as Kris brings the hand to his mouth and presses a kiss to the tip of each finger, and then entwines them with his own.

“So it wasn’t just a magnificent dream,” Adam laughs, leaning in to leave a trail of soft kisses along Kris’s jaw. Kris inhales sharply when Adam scrapes his teeth against the skin there. His lips linger on a spot just under Kris’s ear.

He pulls back after leaving a small bruise under Kris’s ear that will probably fade soon. Kris looks at Adam and feels like he hasn’t had enough time to memorize this face yet—the freckles on his bottom lip, the bridge of his nose, the shape of his soft pink lips.

“You’re perfect,” Kris says simply. It just feels like something that needs to be spoken aloud. This beautiful, beautiful man is the most wonderful person Kris has ever met in his life. As scary as it is to admit, Kris needs him. Right now, every day, and forever.

Adam opens his mouth, most likely to protest, but Kris doesn’t want him to. So he touches Adam’s face and tells him, “I want to go with you.”

“With me?” Adam asks. There is a twinge of excitement in his voice, like he knows what Kris is saying, but he’s skeptical.

“When the ship docks,” Kris takes a deep breath before finishing, “I’m getting off with you.”

There isn’t a smile on his lips like Kris had expected, and he begins to fear that maybe Adam doesn’t want this anymore. He’s looking down at Kris carefully, studying his eyes for a long moment.

“And you’re certain?” he asks, a little hesitant.

Kris nods, tangling his fingers in Adam’s hair to bring him down for a kiss. “Yes,” he murmurs against Adam’s mouth, feeling his lips curve into a smile against his own.

In a swift movement, Adam is on top of him, covering Kris’s naked body with his own. The moment goes from light and playful, to serious. Adam is kissing him like he wants Kris to know that he’s making the right decision, that he won’t regret it.

Kris believes him.

-

“We need to go,” Kris says, tilting his neck up to give Adam better access and not making any movement towards the door.

They managed to get their clothes back on. It was a slow, teasing process that involved Adam kissing and nipping at his exposed skin. Kris starts to get hard again just thinking about it—not that Adam sucking on his neck doesn’t help—but they really, _really_ need to leave. He knows his parents are out searching for him. They probably have people helping them search. It’s only a matter of time before they’re caught.

“I don’t want to,” Adam whines, lifting his head from the curve of Kris’s neck to kiss his mouth instead. “I want to be with you.”

Kris knows Adam is playing, but it makes him feel a pain in his gut because he doesn’t know when they’ll have time like this again. He told Adam he’d get off the ship with him, and he wants to, more than anything in the world, but he doesn’t know how to make that happen.

He pushes himself up on his toes and wraps his arms around Adam’s neck for a hug. “I want to be with you, too,” Kris says, and they stand there holding each other.

And then the ship begins to shake.

-

“What was that?” Adam asks as he pulls back from Kris and looks around the room. It was a long shudder, like an earthquake. Kris doesn’t know if you can feel earthquakes in the middle of the ocean, but he doesn’t know what else it could be.

“It was probably nothing,” Kris says, pushing whatever it was to the back of his mind once his eyes fall to Adam’s lips. “One of the propellers, or something.”

Adam smiles, the worry line disappearing from between his brows. They share another kiss and Adam steps back, taking both of Kris’s hands. “So, what do we do now?”

Kris searches for an answer, but he honestly doesn’t have a clue.

“We’ll do whatever it takes to be together,” he says, and reaches for one last kiss.

-

Kris senses something is wrong as soon as they reach the main deck. The captain of the ship walks past them quickly, looking concerned. Kris suddenly remembers the shudder they felt a few minutes ago and wonders if that has anything to do with it.

 

“What’s going on?” Kris asks, staying close to Adam.

As one of the crew members hurriedly walks past them, Adam taps his shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says. “May I ask what happened?”

His eyes flicker back and forth between the both of them, and then he smiles, a little forced. “Nothing you need to worry about, sir,” he says. “Why don’t the two of you go back inside where it’s warm?”

He leaves them with a quick bow of his head, and Kris thinks he’s being lied to. They continue walking until they reach a group of third class passengers he recognizes from the party last night. They are kicking a large chunk of something white— _is that ice?_

They walk up to one of them—Brad, he thinks his name is—and ask what had happened.

“The ship hit an iceberg,” Brad tells them, giving another kick to the ice, but it finally breaks against his foot. “I’m sure it’s nothing, though. It was just a scrape against the side.”

One of the others, tall and scruffy, adds, “You should’ve seen the thing. It was bigger than the damn boat. One of the chunks of ice nearly hit me.”

Kris feels Adam’s hand press against his lower back and they excuse themselves from the others.

“Do you think we should tell our parents?” he asks. “This could be serious.”

If it weren’t for the worry in Adam’s eyes, Kris would say no. He is certain that everything is fine. They would know by now if it wasn’t. But something about the way Adam is looking at him—there is fear there—makes him think they do need to tell the others.

Kris nods, and they set off to find his parents.

-

“It was all my fault,” Adam says as soon as Kris’s father turns to them, his face and his neck veins visible. “I had my mother tell Kris where I was. He had--”

Kris touches the back of Adam’s hand, shaking his head. “Don’t,” he whispers. Adam doesn’t need to take the blame for any of this.

When he glances up, his father is looking at where Kris’s fingers are touching Adam. “There is something more important going on than this right now, father. The ship has hit an iceberg.”

His father rolls his eyes. “Kristopher, don’t be ridiculous. Do you actually think an iceberg can do any harm to this ship?” he asks. “Now we told you that you are to never see this boy again, and now here you are, running off with him and doing-doing, I don’t even want to _know_ what you’ve been doing.”

Kris isn’t sure, but he thinks he hears a barely audible huff of a laugh come from Adam. It takes everything Kris has not to smile. This is definitely not a situation for smiling.

Before his father can continue with his tirade, there are a couple of knocks on the door. “We’re busy,” he shouts at whoever it is, but either they didn’t hear or are ignoring him because one of the crew members walks in, a handful of life jackets. “Did you not hear me, I sa--”

“Now, sir, there is nothing to worry about. This is just a precaution,” the man says, placing the life jackets down on the coffee table. “I am required tell each of you to wear one of these in case of an emergency.”

His mother stands up from where she was sitting with Daniel. Kris is surprised she has had nothing to say until now. “Emergency?” she says. “What is going on?”

“I told you, mother,” Kris says. “The ship has hit an iceberg.”

“Yes, but I can assure you that all is well, ma’am,” the man says. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about.”

Without giving Kris’s parents any time to say anything, Adam turns him around so his back is towards them. “Listen, I’m going to find my mother, alright?” he whispers, peering up at Kris’s family over his shoulder. “She’s probably worried sick.”

Kris reaches for Adam’s hand. “Let me come with you.”

With slight hesitation, Adam pulls his hand from Kris’s grasp. “No,” he says. “You stay here and try to talk to them, alright. I’m going to see you again, either tonight or tomorrow.”

Kris would give the world to be able to lean in for a kiss, but that isn’t even an option right now.

“Bye,” Kris says, and there is a slight pout on his lips as he watches Adam leave.

-

There is a commotion in the corridor. Everyone is out of their rooms, their life jackets over their chests. Kris walks out with his family to see what is going on, although their lifejackets are forgotten on the coffee table. Nobody seems to actually know what is happening, just a few rumors spreading about.

Kris has been strictly forbidden to leave the room for anything other than meals—for what he got to do with Adam, he considers it a fair trade—but his parents don’t seem too concerned about his punishment for now. He listens to the whispers of the iceberg hitting the ship, but everyone seems calm.

Everything does seem fine until he sees Mr. Andrews hurrying past them, rolled up papers under his arm and an alarming expression on his face. His parents exchange a look and then hurry to follow, Kris right on their tails.

“Mr. Andrews, sir,” his mother calls out, and it gets him to stop, but he looks like he’s about to take off at a sprint. “Please let us know what is going on.”

His breathing is heavy and there is a sheen of sweat on his forehead. “I really must be going,” he says, but Kris’s mother doesn’t let him move even an inch.

“You’re going to tell us what is going on,” she says. “Is it anything we need to be concerned about?”

He waits a long moment, and then looks at Kris and Daniel. For some reason that is what gets him to talk. “As you all may know, the ship has hit an iceberg this evening.” He swallows and looks like the words are physically hurting him to say. “In just an hour, maybe two… the ship will be sinking.”

There is a gasp from his brother, or maybe his father. Kris isn’t sure of what he should be feeling. They prepare for things like this, right? Everything should be alright.

“Do you remember what I told you, the other evening at dinner,” Mr. Andrews asks his mother, “about the lifeboats?”

It takes only a moment for it to click, and then fear settles in on her face. “Do you mean--”

“Find a lifeboat, and hurry,” he warns her, and then turns to the men of his family. “As of now, it is women and children only. I wish the best of luck to each of you.”

And then he’s gone.

“What about the lifeboats, mother?” Kris asks. He doesn’t recall hearing anything about them during dinner.

She closes her eyes and breathes in deep. “There are only enough for half.”

-

In the middle of everything—families being broken apart, women and their children clamoring into the lifeboats—Kris watches the scene in front of him.

His parents embrace each other, rocking back and forth slowly on their feet. Watching them makes Kris choke up a little. They haven’t been affectionate towards each other for as long as he can remember. His mother’s face is buried in his father’s neck, sobbing and shaking. His father looks shaken as well, but he puts up a good front, whispering things in her ear that Kris can’t hear. They have been together for seventeen years and after tonight, they may never see each other again. It finally hits Kris that some of them, perhaps all of them, won’t be making it home, and all of the air leaves his lungs.

He’s going to die tonight.

His body trembles, but he manages to keep himself upright. He has never felt such fear in his entire life. Next to him, Kris can see the terror in his brother’s eyes. Despite the fact that he’s just a year younger, Kris still sees him as a child, a kid, his little brother. Why won’t they let his little brother on the lifeboats where he’d be safe, where he has a chance to survive the night?

The crew member helping board the women and children into the lifeboat rests a hand on his mother’s shoulder. “Ma’am, we’re going to be lowering the boat in a moment.”

She lifts her head from the safe nook of her husband’s neck, her cheeks stained with tears. “Just let me say goodbye to my boys,” she begs. “Just a moment, please?”

The man looks at her for a long moment before giving her a slight nod. “No longer than a minute. We’re in a hurry.”

She reaches up to give Kris’s father one last kiss goodbye.

Kris has to watch his mother and Daniel say goodbye to each other, and it hurts him more than he ever thought it could. He seems to be begging her, wanting to go on the lifeboat, but they know it isn’t a possibility. There is only enough room for half of the people on board, so most of these men won’t see tomorrow.

“Kristopher,” she sobs, suddenly standing in front of him, her cold, dry hand grasps his. The events from the past few days no longer matter. The momentary hatred he had felt for her no longer matters. This is his mother, and he may never see her again.

Kris wraps her in his arms and lets her fall apart while he stays composed. Letting her see his fear could only hurt the situation. “I love you, mama,” he whispers, his eyes squeezed shut, a tear escaping from his closed lids. Kris hasn’t called her that since he was a little boy.

They finally pull her back, having wasted enough time. She squeezes Kris’s father’s hand so hard that the tips of his fingers are purple, and then she lets go. Finally the boat begins to lower and, just like that, his mother is gone.

Kris tries to swallow the lump in his throat that is blocking the air from his lungs. In hours from now, maybe not even that long, the men in his family will be in the depths of the dark Atlantic sea, along with hundreds of other ill-fated people.

Adam.

He doesn’t even give it a second thought before his feet are taking off in the opposite direction. Not even three steps and his father is grabbing his shoulder, jerking him back.

“Where are you going, Kristopher?” He sounds panicked and frightened and angry. There are still tears in his eyes from saying goodbye to his wife. It pains Kris to have to leave his family at a time like this, when he may never see them again, but he needs to be with Adam. Any moments he has left in his life, he wants to spend them with him.

“I’m going to find him.”

That is all he has to say for his father to know who he is talking about. His eyes narrow in on Kris, and he swears he sees red. “The ship is _sinking_ , Kristopher. You are not going to go off to find some--” he exhales through his nose and Kris can see that he’s trying to calm down. “You are staying with us and we will find our way off this ship.”

Kris takes a couple of steps back. “You’re wrong,” he says. “We’re going to die, father. In an hour, or maybe not even that long, this ship will sink and we will die.”

He knows his father hasn’t accepted this yet. He refuses to.

“I need to find him,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

A hand lies on his shoulder and he turns to meet his brother’s eyes. This may be the last time he’ll ever see him, but he refuses to think about that. He is in his own denial.

“If you can, get on a boat,” Kris tells him. “I don’t care what you have to do, just do it.”

Daniel nods, his lips pursed together tight and his eyes are rimmed with red. “I’m scared,” he whispers. “I’m so scared, Kristopher.”

Kris hugs him because he doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t lie and tell him that everything will be alright. “Do whatever it takes, Daniel,” he says as his brother falls apart in his arms and Kris does everything he can not to do the same.

With his father, there are no hugs or tears. They stare at each other for a long while, and finally Kris says, “Good luck, father.”

He turns, leaving them behind.

-

Kris pushes through the crowd, screaming Adam’s name. Adam could be anywhere. He could be searching for Kris or he could be already safe on a lifeboat. He could be dead. Kris closes his eyes and pushes that thought down. Adam is still alive. He is still somewhere on this boat, Kris just knows it.

After a few minutes, Kris becomes desperate. _Think, think, think._ He sets off at a sprint. His eyes search for black hair, his heart stopping anytime he comes across someone who even vaguely resembles Adam or Leila. The lifeboats are being filled quickly. One by one, they are being lowered into the water. Each time one does, his chances of survival lessens, but he can’t even think about death right now.

He searches for someone he recognizes, anyone who could possibly know Adam, but right now all of the names and faces he has met in these past few days are a blur. There is only one name and one face, and Kris needs to see him just one last time.

All of a sudden, there is a voice above all of the others. Kris can hear his name being shouted over and over. When he closes his eyes and listens, he realizes there are two voices. He spins around and about twenty feet away are Adam and Leila, pushing past all of the people. His next breath doesn’t even leave his lips before he’s in Adam’s arms.

“Oh my god, I found you,” Adam says with a worn voice. Kris can feel him trembling. “I found you.”

Adam’s shirt is wound tightly in Kris’s fist, his tears threatening to spill over. “I left my family to come find you,” he says just loud enough for Adam to hear amongst the voices. “I needed to see you again.”

Adam pulls back to take Kris’s face in his hands, brushing the tears away with his thumbs. His eyes are so intense, focusing on every last detail of Kris’s face, burning it into his memory. “You’re so stupid, Kris,” he says, looking like he wants to cry, but doesn’t. “You’re so fucking stupid.”

Kris brings his hands up to Adam’s on his face, and he repeats what Adam had said earlier. “They’re not going to keep me from you.”

He doesn’t think about Leila standing just feet away from them, or the hundreds of people around them. All he can think of are Adam’s lips and how badly he needs to kiss them.

They seem to be thinking the same thing because they meet halfway. It’s not nearly as rough as it should be considering the situation. It is soft and over before Kris can really fall into it. The kiss is a reminder that, _I’m here, I’m okay, we’re still alive._

A hand falls on his shoulder and he turns to see Leila. It brings Kris back down to earth and reminds him that they need to find a way off this ship before they die.

Adam slips his hand in Kris’s and they start walking, having already wasted enough time. “We need to find another lifeboat,” he says. The ones on this side of the ship have already been launched. “Kris and I won’t be able to get on, but mother-”

“No,” she says, shaking her head. “Absolutely not, Adam.”

Adam is walking fast, his legs much longer than Kris’s, so he has to struggle to keep up. “Don’t be ridiculous. There is no reason for us both to die.”

Hearing that word leave Adam’s lips sucks all of the air from Kris’s lungs. _Die._ It’s so permanent. The thought of himself cold and white, frozen in the middle of the Atlantic, doesn’t scare Kris as much as the thought of Adam dying. That alone makes him stagger, gripping Adam’s hand even tighter. That face. His beautiful face—no. Kris pushes that out of his mind and focuses on the warmth of Adam’s hand in his own, relishing the boom of his voice as he shouts at Leila.

“I can’t let you--” Adam chokes on his words, sounding like he’s finally starting to crumble. He seems to have been staying strong, for either himself or his mother. Adam lets go of Kris’s hand to turn to Leila, pulling her into a hug. They whisper things to each other that Kris can’t hear, but he watches the tears fall from Leila’s cheek.

Leila nods, an understanding, and then she turns to Kris. She takes his hands, warm and soft, unlike his own mother’s, and gives him a weak smile. For a while she just looks at Kris, not saying a word, and then she hugs him. It makes Kris feel like he’s ten years old again, wrapped up in a warm blanket, drinking a cup of tea.

“Take care of my boy,” she whispers, and Kris can almost hear the tears slipping between her eyelids.

Kris’s arms tighten around her, making them sway a bit on their feet. “I promise,” he says. “For as long as I’m alive, I’ll make sure he’s okay.” He wishes he could promise her that he and Adam will make it off this ship alive, but he can’t do that.

She pulls back and touches his face with her hand. “Thank you.”

He watches Adam and Leila say goodbye to each other, and it stings. Kris doesn’t understand why this is happening to him, to Adam, to the thousands of others who will be losing friends and family tonight. He tries to think of hours ago when he was happily in Adam’s arms, so far away from death, and now it is right here, staring him in the eye.

Kris joins Adam as they watch Leila place a hesitant foot in the lifeboat, turning back to look at Adam. He jerks his head, encouraging her to go on. Kris finds Adam’s hand and holds on tight, letting him know that he’s not alone. Adam squeezes back just as tight and doesn’t let go until Leila is gone.

-

As the evening goes on, the air is getting colder. People are becoming desperate. There are screams and little children crying. For these hundreds of people, the chance of survival becomes less as each lifeboat starts floating out into the darkness, not even filled to their full capacity.

Adam’s warmth is at his side as Kris watches the band play, as if the ship isn’t about to sink, as if it is like any other evening. The music calms him, makes him forget, just for a moment, what he is facing.

“You know I love you.”

He looks up. Adam is staring straight ahead, over the railing, into the darkness of the night, ghosts of his breath with every exhale. He looks exhausted. In Adam’s blue eyes, Kris sees defeat.

“I know,” Kris breathes. “I love you, too.”

-

He knows it is a useless effort, but Kris refuses to give up. Some of the ship is already underwater and walking towards any place dry and safe feels like going up a hill. Every squeeze of Adam’s hand keeps him going; fighting is just so hard when it seems like there is no chance that they’ll make it.

They heard one of the crew members tell a passenger that some of the lifeboats on the other side of the ship are letting men board. There was pity in his eyes, though. Fear. That crew member knows just as well as that passenger, as Kris, as Adam, that there is no hope for most of these men.

“Oh my--” Adam starts, letting go of Kris’s hand and takes off. Kris follows quickly, knocking people out of the way to keep Adam in his view. What the hell is he—and then Kris sees her. Adam bends down and picks her up.

Emily.

Kris hurries to Adam’s side. She is screaming. Her cheeks red and wet with tears. The sight of Adam doesn’t calm her down. Adam holds her tight, trying to make the screaming stop. Kris looks around for any sign of Norah. There is no way she would’ve just left her daughter.

“Where is your mommy?” Adam asks, but the only thing she does is shake her head and continue to cry. Adam turns to Kris, eyes filled with panic. He whispers, “I don’t know what to do.”

They could run and look for Norah, although Kris doubts they’d be able to find anyone in this. Something must’ve happened for Norah to have left Emily, but Kris doesn’t want to think of her dead.

“You’ll be okay, Emily,” Adam says, tucking her face in his neck. His eyes are searching for something—Norah, or anything to save this little girl. Kris can understand his own death, the death of his father and brother, but not Emily. Not a little girl who is so young she hasn’t had a chance to know what life really is.

The lifeboats are running out. The ones on the other side of the ship are gone and only a few remain on their side.

“You need to take her.”

Kris looks at Adam. “What do you mean?”

Adam softly tries to shush Emily and takes a step closer to Kris. “We have no time. Norah could be anywhere on this ship, or she could be dead. If we go looking, we’ll just run out of whatever time we have left,” he says. “If you take her, they’ll let you on the boat.”

Kris can’t even believe that Adam would suggest such a thing. Leave him here to die while Kris is safe, having to live with just the memory of Adam for the rest of his life? Absolutely not.

“Are you cra--”

Adam places a hand over Emily’s ear and leans closer so he can speak in a harsh whisper. “Don’t be like this, Kris. This isn’t about you and me anymore, alright? This is about her. We can’t let a child die on this ship because of us.” Adam’s voice softens, along with his eyes. “You need to take her.”

Kris knows what Adam is saying is true. One of them needs to take her, but why him?

“What about you?”

Adam shakes his head. “I couldn’t live with myself if I let you die on this ship.”

Kris feels his body start to shake, angry tears welling up in his eyes. “You think I don’t feel the same way?” he yells, at this point not caring who hears them. Nobody cares about them, anyway. “Do you expect me to be okay with _watching you die?_ ” His lungs are burning from the cold air and the yelling. His voice cracks. “This isn’t fair.”

Adam hands Emily to him and touches Kris’s face. “You listen to me, okay?” he says, his face so close that Kris can count the freckles. Kris wants to remember them, just in case this is the last time.

“You think I’m going to let this ship kill me?” Adam smiles, and Kris realizes that is exactly what he needed to see. “I promise you that I will survive this thing, alright? And I will find you. I _promise_ you that.”

Kris knows he shouldn’t believe him. How could Adam promise such a thing? He has no control over this, over their fate. All that Kris can see is miles and miles of the freezing ocean and a sinking ship. But there is so much promise in Adam’s eyes, like he believes what he is telling Kris.

Emily squirms in his arms. The screaming stopped but Kris hadn’t realized until now. He can feel her body shaking, an occasional hiccup.

Kris swallows and it burns his dry, scratchy throat. “You will fight and do everything you can to come back to me.”

Adam leans in and kisses him. Their mouths are so dry that it hurts, but Kris needs it to hurt. He needs to feel Adam on his lips and his tongue so it is always there. It doesn’t last long enough, no amount of time could ever be long enough, but Adam pulls away.

“I’ll see you again, Kris Allen.”

-

It all happens so quickly. With Emily in his arms, he steps into the last lifeboat. The air is stuck in his throat and he can’t breathe as he watches Adam standing there, his eyes stay focused on his, never wanting to let go.

The lifeboat starts to lower. Every notch is another tear in Kris’s heart. Lower and lower, until Adam eventually disappears.

“Adam,” he whispers, his neck straining to see him again. He wasn’t ready yet. He needs another minute, another hour, another year just to look at Adam, but now he’s gone.

Adam’s gone.

The boat touches the water and they start rowing. Emily is cold and shivering in his arms. Kris needs to cry but nothing comes out. He’s too numb to feel a thing.

“Did mommy and Adam get on another boat?” Emily asks. Kris pulls back to look at her. Her hair is falling loosely on her face, her cheeks and nose so red from the cold. There is so much innocence there that Kris can’t bear to tell her the truth.

“They did,” he says to her, tucking her face back in his neck and rocking her. “Just have to wait a little while longer, and we’ll get to see them again.”

Kris hates to lie.

-

The boat gently rocks in the water. Warm tears spill against Kris’s shirt as Emily cries, bundled up in his arms, her face staying tucked in Kris’s neck, away from it all. Someone so young should never see something as awful as this. The images would only haunt her for the rest of her life.

Kris’s eyes never leave the ship. The lights have flickered out and the stern has lifted from the water. It feels like a knife has stabbed his chest every time somebody jumps, or every time there is a scream. It could be Adam. Any single one of those people could be Adam jumping to his death, or screaming for help. And he is by himself, with nobody there to save him.

Kris feels so helpless, watching from hundreds of feet away. How could he have left him to die by himself? They should’ve ended this together. He should be there with Adam. He tries to block out the thoughts of Adam by himself, finding any way to live for just a few more moments, but they just won’t leave him alone.

He doesn’t think they’ll ever go away.

There are gasps, from himself, the others in his boat, as the ship snaps in half, the stern falling back into the water. In slow motion, the bow sinks and sinks, pulling the stern so it’s standing upright in the water. Like rocks, the people start to drop one by one, probably dying on impact.

This morning seems like another lifetime. He and Adam shared their first kiss during the sunrise. If Kris knew that it was the last time he’d ever watch the sun rise with Adam, the last time they’d ever share drunken kisses, he never would’ve stopped. He would still be there, holding him, until they were both sucked underwater.

In only takes minutes for the ship to finally sink, lower and lower until it is finally swallowed by the sea. Where there was just a ship is now nothing. Kris stares in disbelief. He listens to the splashes, the hundreds of people screaming for help. Adam is in there, he just knows it. They need to save him.

“What are we sitting here for?” Kris suddenly yells. Adam is just over there, probably minutes away from freezing to death, and they are just sitting here watching. “There is plenty of room in the boat.”

Emily begins crying in his arms, so he holds her tighter. One of the men in the boat glares at Kris. “The moment we row over there, they’d take us under in seconds.”

He just doesn’t understand. “But they are dying,” he cries, his voice cracking.

And then, in a whisper, he says, “he’s dying.”

-

The splashing, the cries for help, slowly fade to silence. It has been an immeasurable amount of time and nobody has come for them. Kris doesn’t know if anyone will.

Just one of the lifeboats came back for the ones left to die in the water. Kris watches the flashlights waving in the distance. They call out, over and over, for any of the survivors.

Kris knows there aren’t any.

He can no longer feel anything.

 

[](http://tinypic.com?ref=fjiz38)  
 **April 15, 1912**

 

“Do you need anything, sir?” A crew member of the _Carpathia_ asks Kris, holding a bundle of blankets in his arms. “Anything for the little one?”

Emily has finally fallen asleep in his arms. Her face is pillowed against his chest, so peaceful, able to forget what had just happened, even for a little while. Kris shakes his head, not wanting to wake her.

He sits, curled up with Emily, while the other survivors get the aid they need. They keep asking him what he wants, but the only thing he needs is something that they can’t provide for him.

Kris tries not to think about it, but it’s hard when he’s got nothing left. The pain is overwhelming. He thinks about Adam, the sound of his voice, his laugh. He thinks of Adam’s strong hands against his skin, the soft touch of his lips. He thinks of Adam’s warmth pressed against his side during those cold nights they’ve shared together under the stars. And he thinks of those eyes, looking down at Kris like there is nothing else in the world.

It hurts him so much that he begins to shake.

He looks up at every person who passes by, and they’ll look down at him too. Everybody is looking for someone: a mother, a father, brother or sister, a loved one. It is never anyone that he’d expect to see, not his mother or Leila.

A while later, Emily shifts in his arms, rubbing her eye with a small hand. As much as he wishes he stayed with Adam, he’s thankful that he saved her. Because of him, she has a recognizable face to care for her, now that her mother is gone. Soon he is going to run out of things to say when she asks where her mother is. He’s going to have to make this little girl understand that her mother is dead.

“Are you okay?” he asks Emily.

She isn’t listening. Her focus is on something else, squinting her eyes. Her arm lifts slowly, and her tiny finger points at something in the distance. Kris follows her gaze, and then his heart stops beating.

It’s Adam.

Kris doesn’t move. He doesn’t know if he’s imagining it or if it is real. But there, several feet away, is Adam. He’s standing there, his expression blank, looking beaten and torn apart. The life that is always so present in his eyes and his smile is no longer there.

Adam starts towards him, limping with each step. Kris finally processes that, _there is Adam, he’s right there, he’s alive,_ and he stands, taking off towards Adam in a run.

Adam crumbles as soon as Kris touches him, falling to his knees. Kris holds him, rocking them back and forth as Adam shakes in his arms. He still feels so cold, but he is alive and in Kris’s arms and Kris is never letting him go ever again.

“They pulled me out of the water,” Adam says, his voice muffled from Kris’s shirt. “It was so c-cold, Kris. It was so _cold_.” He’s gasping for breath, like this is the first time since he’s been pulled from the water that he’s actually been able to breathe.

“I know, I know,” Kris tells him, his face buried in Adam’s hair. “But you’re here now, you’re here. You’re okay.”

“There was th-this door floating and I held on, just waiting to die,” Adam continues, but Kris would really wish he’d stop. He doesn’t want to think of this. It hurts. “I just kept thinking… _Kris._ I can’t die.”

Kris takes Adam’s face in his hands and tilts it upwards so he’s looking at him. He brushes his thumbs over Adam’s cheeks and takes in everything. He was so sure he’d never see this face again.

“And you didn’t,” Kris says, and he smiles, trying to calm the panic that they both feel. “I’m right here,” he exhales shakily, petting the sides of Adam’s face. “You’re alive… _Adam._ ”

Finally, there is a flicker of life in Adam’s eyes. “I promised you, didn’t I?”

Emily comes over, gingerly sits down and watches them. There are tears on her cheeks as they pull her into a hug, holding on to each other tight. Soon they will find their mothers and Daniel, who managed to get on a lifeboat and survive. In a few days, the ship will dock in New York where they’ll continue on with their lives without Norah and Neil Allen, and the others they’ve lost.

For years following, memories of _Titanic_ will haunt Kris’s dreams, but each time he wakes, Adam will always be there to comfort him.


End file.
